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Perfect Scars

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Hi I'm new [23 Aug 2009|11:32am]

I've been a cutter for a little more than a year....I love how it feels when blood flows, it's like I am cleaning my veins from metaphorical poisons and washing away all impurities.  I do it mostly to stop feeling so &^#$%^& numb and also this is weird but to focus/meditate & remember who I am....it also makes me feel strong when I do it, that I can take the pain, that I can control the pain.  I'm so addicted to it though.
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Cross-posted all over... [23 Aug 2009|12:16am]

I could really use someone to talk to right now. If anyone's up for some chat, my SNs are in my profile. Thanks.

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Late night drear... [16 Nov 2008|03:42am]

[ mood | blah ]

Is anyone on and wanna talk? I just feel shitty and alone and yeah. Anyone? My contact info is in my profile. Thanks.


2 comments|post comment

Please... [12 Jul 2008|11:06pm]

[ mood | hot ]

Go on over to my writing journal and scope it out? I want it to have more people reading it to not only get my works out but to be able to have people bring me criticism and questions and comments and suggesttions. Thanks.



Sorry: cross-posted lots of places.

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Self inflicted mutilation [28 Mar 2006|11:27am]

Why is it illegal to kill oneself? Why is it illegal to cut oneself? To me, the most basic right of anyone alive should be the choice whether or not to quit the club at any time. I think it's horseshit to go to the hospital bleeding out of ones wrist and then wind up in an institution for crisis intervention. And then, have them charge you for the honor. And then have them chain you to a bed. And then treat you like a subhuman, force you to strip, force you to eat their food, force you to sit around in the boringest place on earth. Somehow, this is supposed to make you NOT want to kill yourself. Somehow, being in an environment where everyone's clothes are falling off cause they removed all the drawstrings is supposed to intervene in one's crisis.

For some reason, they have a room with a metal door and a tiny window off to the side. They don't tell anyone to look into it, but people do. They don't tell anyone what the room is for, and they don't need to. Inside is a table in the middle of the room, and attached to it are restraints. Leg-cuffs, hand-cuffs, a waistcuff. They don't tell anyone that they're more than happy to strap people up in there if they get out of line, or make a fuss about being ignored, bored, or god forbid, suicidal. They don't have to, the threat hangs above everyone's head and maintains the peace.

They don't tell you why all the other patients are homeless people. Apparently being threatened by someone who wants to "trade pants" with you is supposed to help with any thoughts of hurting oneself.

Nevermind the fact that sometimes people only hurt themselves to hurt others. Nevermind the fact that sticking a knife into themself is better than sticking it in their parents. All they care about is liability. All they care about is charging people for ambulance rides and hospital stays.

When the doctor finally comes around to talk to everyone, it's first come first served. 24 hours after someone first goes for help, because the little wound on their arm won't stop seeping blood, he asks what the problem is. As if he's concerned. As if he has any interest in the mental condition of a bunch of homeless people. As if he'd be caught dead here if it weren't part of his education. He asks questions, and if they don't get answered properly, it means another 24 hours in the psych ward. He wants the truth and the only truth that's worth telling might turn out to be a lie. "I learned my lesson and I won't ever do it again."
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x-posted [12 Oct 2005|12:45am]

[ mood | calm ]

saturniakitty and I got together a few nights ago and had a little fun. She's already posted her pics, now it's my turn.

Let me see...Collapse )

If you missed my other recent post (Ghetto Cam friendly!), it's here: http://www.livejournal.com/community/bio_etching/130850.html. It has more pics, but the camera I used sucks.

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Old pics, bad camera, etc. [03 Oct 2005|02:11am]

[ mood | drained ;) ]

I've put off posting these for a while, mainly because I lost the memory card to my camera. These were taken back in early June, I would say. Be warned, these pictures were taken with my Ghetto Cam™, possibly the oldest digital camera with an LCD screen in existence.

Show meCollapse )

X-posted in other comms I belong to.

4 comments|post comment

[17 May 2005|07:18pm]

[ mood | frustrated ]

New Person ThingCollapse )

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[16 May 2005|11:58pm]

[ mood | sleepy ]

my heatrs a tiny bloodclot, i picked at it.Collapse )

1 comment|post comment

[15 May 2005|04:23am]

[ mood | sleepy ]

sing the death song kidsCollapse )

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[09 May 2005|09:19pm]

[ mood | uncomfortable ]

happy x

worst decemberCollapse )

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[04 May 2005|03:19pm]

right so,
I haven't cut in one whole fucknig week
and I feel like dying
I mean, okay, Im a jealous girl,
that gets pissed off if her boyyfriend hangs out with other girls
especially if he seems like he has more fun doing it
But, whatever, I deserve to die for feeling like this

I need the sight of blood,
it's what keeps me sane
my insane-ness makes me sane,
if that makes any sense to any of you

And yeah,
all of my self-esteem is gone
it's seemed to vanish all of a sudden this morning
and then my algebra teacher asked me if I was a loner
I actually had to stop and think about it
and I concluded that most of the time,
Im all alone
all by my fucking self
thats because I dont deserve people
and Im fat
god, I need to be skinny...
I think it's time for me to stop eating again
woo for eating disorders
everything my counseler built up before...
Im simply just saying,

sadness seems to be my best friend, casue it's always there

x-posted to the other communities Im in
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[02 May 2005|11:44am]

[ mood | disappointed ]

This is for loversCollapse )

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fresh flesh for perfectscar.. [29 Apr 2005|10:01pm]
[ mood | curious ]

Hi I'm new here.. I was wondering where people get some of their more exquisite looking razors. I've SI'd for 10 years now or so, but I didn't start cutting until a month ago. Before that I only hit myself (with fists, all over, but mostly arms and legs). I've been using scissors and plain box cutting razors but I'd like to know where I could find something that looks.. well... more interesting I guess.

I'll probably update my journal and get more involved in a few weeks when I'm back at home, right now I'm visiting an old friend.

4 comments|post comment

[25 Apr 2005|08:24pm]

[ mood | hopeful ]

i really really wish i could be somewhere elseCollapse )</strong></span>

i know you cant see it properly but its nice and deep and filled up with blood so perfectly and i jsut wanted to share as its made me feel really happy..... :-)

2 comments|post comment

[21 Apr 2005|08:07am]

[ mood | blah ]

How does it feel, cos its tearing me apartCollapse )

they make me so god damn angry *growls*


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[04 Apr 2005|05:46pm]

[ mood | cranky ]

Okay, I haven't actually introduced myself.
My name is Tori I'm 14 years old, and I've been cutting myself for about a year
It started around the time when my nana died,
I couldnt control my thoughts, or myself anymore
in Feburary of 2004 my mother put me in a mental facility.. for those of you who live in Michigan you've probably heard of Harbour Oaks... not the best time in my life, but the people in there were certainly stupid enough to beleive my lies.
I wanted out
I got out
simple as that

Now I find myself wanting help my mother isnt willing to give me anymore
As if the want of pain isnt bad enough,
I've got a blood lust
making it alomost impossible for me to stop this little habit of mine

Like most people who cut,
I do not want to die
but there are situtaions where it seems so much easier to harm myself,
especailly after I've hurt others

I want to stop...
I know it isnt going to happen,
so as long as Im not quitting,
I might as well post my future mishaps here,
so I dont feel as alone,
especially due to the fact I know none of you,
it makes it alot easier for me

And for future reference...
I dont do it for attention
I do it cause I need it
so if you're going to be an asshole about what I have to say later on...
dont bother commenting

anything else you'd like to know, I'd be happy to help you with

P.S.- I've got over 60 scars on me... most recent cut was about a week ago (due to boyfriend problems)

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My biggest scars [04 Apr 2005|02:07am]

In July 1997, I was in Prague. Things had gotten sorta complicated with my best friend and my girlfriend fighting all the time and the stress of travelling. Things didn't get any better when she found a love note I was mailing home to some other girl. After a few days of fighting with Kylie, I'd had enough. Jumping out the window of the Hotel Europa was an option, but we were on the mezzanine level, so it wouldn't really do much, except hurt.

So, I pulled out a knife in the middle of her verbal assualt. A SOG multi-tool, like a Leatherman. One of those new-wave swiss army things with tools and pliers and shit. Anyway, it had this super sharp serrated blade, which I calmy extracted. By now her yelling had quieted, I think. I don't remember. I didn't have a shirt on, and I cut my stomach, which hurt and didn't really do anything immediately, so I got even more distressed and cut my left arm. Much harder. Arms cut easier than stomachs, for the record.

Then, the fight was over. I was crying. She left to find bandaids or something. I took off the rest of my clothes and climed into the wardrobe where my friend found me sometime later, huddled, covered in blood wearing boxers and a tanker helmet. He was expecting to find a body. Kylie's I guess. We talked normally for a minute, sorta laughed and then he closed the door and took off.

The bleeding wouldn't stop, so I went to a Czech hospital where the doctor and I shared no common languages. They stitched me up in an archaic room. The nurse splashed blood and hydrogen peroxide into the doctor's eye at one point. Everyone just laughed. Nobody ran off to rinse out the AIDS an American doctor would have assumed I had. It cost $60 USD, which I had to pay at the Post Office. 7 stitches. Kind of inadequate, but it held together.

This is the only pic from then that I have. I'm holding a can of Micheal Jackson energy drink. No shit, they really used to sell such a thing. I know the quality sucks, such was the state of digital imagery in 1997.
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HI! [31 Mar 2005|01:56am]

Hi Im new. I have been self injuring for almost 10 years. Doing things ranging from scratching myself with pen tops, fingernails, punching things and then I moved to cutting. Most of the time I cut is when I am upset about something.
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shitty camera...sry [28 Mar 2005|04:19pm]

[ mood | icky :( ]

devil has a black dress so her arms can bleedCollapse )

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